Hello boys and girls! It’s me again! Maja decided to take the day off so once again I will be your guest blogger for the day. You might already know me from posts such as Kanutten’s Travel Routine and Kanutten’s 5 Piece French Wardrobe, but today I have an extra special treat (did someone say treat?!) in store for you, my most guarded of secrets: my beauty routine. I know, I can hear your gasps through the screen. I am going to tell you how to achieve my perfectly poofy tail, my beachy undone curls and my flawlessly manicured pieds. Just keep on reading!

Step 1

I hang out unsuspectingly on the couch until I am suddenly and completely without warning grabbed and lifted up into somebody’s arms. Now, this is something that frequently happens so don’t panic just yet: there’s no need to actually panic until your humans remove your collar. The removal of the collar means one thing and one thing only: bath time. Red alert, red alert, this is not a drill! This is where you should start casually hiding and/or begging for mercy. As you can see in the below picture, I often go for the latter and it is always completely futile.

Bath time happens about every two weeks, and is followed by a full grooming-slash-makeover every four weeks. I’m not good at keeping time, so I never know which one it is. My life is full of surprises.

Step 2

This is where I am carried into the shower. This is a humiliating but necessary step, as Maja often thinks I smell like pee or feet (or a mixture of the two) when it has been two weeks since my last bath time. I do two rounds of shampoo and one round of conditioner to make sure my fur is squeaky clean.

By the way, this picture is the one I chose to illustrate bath time. Maja, however, had other plans…

Bitch made a collage. I hate her.

Step 3

This is where I get wrapped up in a towel and make sure to look pathetically adorable. This will encourage sympathy, and in turn, encourage Maja to give me treats. Also, Maja forgot to put on makeup that day even though she knew she would be taking photographs. Haha, sucker. Look at those sad-ass brows.

Step 4

Blow dry! Blow-drying me is a two person job: one person holds the dryer and one person wields the hair brush. I like this part, except when they want to comb my legs and my belly. That I do not like. I start to wiggle and twitch and make whiny little diva noises.

After my bath and blow-dry I am always given treats. Then I’m let outside to have a tinkle. Bath time leaves me very excited and if they forget to take me out I will pee on the couch. Or on the floor. Wherever, really. What can I say: I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it.

Step 5

Face grooming. Maja always starts by cutting the hair on my head and ears, as that is done with scissors and scissors aren’t scary. The tiny blue clippers, however – those are scary. I hate them. But I stand on my towel like a boss and face the ordeal with only minor wiggling and whining. Did I tell you I used to be a beauty queen show dog before these people adopted me? I lost a tooth in a very innocent fight (so innocent! And that bitch totally had it coming!) and all of a sudden I couldn’t do shows anymore because I was no longer perfect. Fuck unattainable beauty standards, y’all. We’re all beautiful. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah: My beauty queen past means I’m a pro at standing still.

P.S: She also uses the tiny blue clippers on my paws and… tushie. So humiliating. I like to protest against the grooming of my derrière by sitting down on the clippers, which strangely enough hurts nobody but myself. Go figure.

Step 6

Body grooming. God, I feel so naked. Maja used to really take her time with this part and cut my fur in a fancy poofy shape using scissors, but these days she has a giant clipper which she sets to 10mm before she just goes to town. I swear, you’d think she was clipping a sheep! I love it though, because the vibrations from the clippers double as a full body massage. I close my eyes and pretend I’m at a light and modern spa (instead of on top of a crappy old towel on a table in front of the TV while we watch QI).

Step 7

Manicure. Oh god, whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with that thing! I hate that thing!

Fine fine, I guess a little trim of the fingernails might be in order. Careful with the cuticles. And don’t make eye contact. A little paw twitching is also important, just to let people know who’s really in charge.

Voilá

Then you’re done! I promise you, after this 1 hour and 30 minutes of grooming and pampering you will feel like a completely new poodle. You will also get more treats and be let out to tinkle again to make sure you don’t pee on the carpet. Fun times! Aren’t I pretty?

Bonus: You will have completely wrecked whatever your groomer was wearing that day. Score.

I hope this was interesting to you, and that I have inspired you to further improve your own beauty routines!

More guest posts: 

• Kanutten’s Travel Routine

• Kanutten’s 5 piece French wardrobe