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On depression

Well, shit. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this again, but here I am, light-headed and slightly dizzy at the doctor’s office. It has been a little over two years since the last time, and three-and-a-half years since the first time. To my own credit I am handling it very nonchalantly this time around – I ordered the appointment by text message yesterday morning and now I am here. I am wearing comfortable but smart clothes, brought sunglasses despite the rain and avoided mascara, as mascara is always best applied in the ladies room after these things are over and done with.

30 minutes later it is over. To call it a consultation would be a joke, because it is so laughably obvious that I am depressed. Reciting my symptoms to the doctor seems almost redundant, because I know exactly where we will end up – 10mg a day, call my old shrink, Kleenex, done. The doctor is behaving perfectly and seems very concerned about my well-being as well as annoyed that he can’t spend more time on my consultation, but it is time for his next patient and I honestly just want to get my paperwork ready and get out so that I can start letting my parents, friends and closest co-workers know what is going on. Within hours they’ve all been informed, and we’ve started cooking up a plan on how to tell the rest. Why tell? Well, first of all I don’t believe in hiding these things, but secondly it is the biggest hassle when everyone thinks you’re pregnant because you can’t mix your meds with alcohol. Meds I can handle, therapy I can handle, but having to dispel pregnancy rumors several times a week?

That shit gets real old real fast.

Awkward Arial

So there you have it: I’m depressed. Again. I won’t get into the finer details of how I ended up at this point, because

1: That is far too personal, and
2: Honestly, I am so over it.

Except no, scratch that – I am over not being over it, because obviously I’m not over it. People who are really over things don’t cry in doctor’s offices and take meds, after all. They run and skip and don’t have to tell their co-workers about their malfunctioning body chemistries.


But what I do want to do is write about depression. I have wanted to do so before, but somehow I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t dare to (because honestly you can fuck right off if you have a problem with it), but because depression is a pretty difficult thing to articulate. You can’t quite describe how it works or how it feels to someone who haven’t experienced it before. It is a glorious mix of feeling helpless, hopeless, pointless, pathetic, useless and talentless all at once, but not in a big and extravagant way. You’re just less, less than everyone else. Nobody really likes you, they’re just humoring you. Everything takes much more effort, you have much less energy, and you can’t think as fast as you usually do. Thinking slowly makes you feel stupid, and not having any energy makes you feel lazy. It gets harder to express yourself and articulate the things you want to say, which in turn also makes you feel stupid. Your mind feels foggy.

Having less energy means that you get easily exhausted, which means that you get annoyed a lot easier, and you can lash out at loved ones over really insignificant things. It is hard to concentrate and you forget things, which also makes you feel rather dumb. You’re always worried, often for no reason at all, and your brain insists on re-playing scenes in your head of every stupid thing you’ve ever thought, said or done. You then proceed to feel guilty about feeling and doing the things that are the very symptoms of your depression in the first place, which again sends you even deeper down the spiral. And above all there would be no point in seeking out help, because really, this is just you being your regular, stupid, useless self – right?

Throne of lies


Luckily I know, intellectually, that this is utter nonsense. I have been down this road before, and I know that the difference between me feeling like this and me feeling like a normal human being is a well-chosen SSRI and some help to untangle my thoughts. It isn’t permanent, it’s not a personal flaw and it is really not my fault. It’s brain flu. Well, to be perfectly honest, it is not quite that easy. Getting treated for depression is hard work. The medication can have some pretty nasty side effects, and therapy makes you take a long hard look at all the things in your life that you would rather just sweep under the metaphorical rug. A session leaves you exhausted like you just ran a mental marathon, and that is on top of the exhaustion that is caused by the thing you are trying to cure in the first place. That said, I would recommend it to anyone. The treatment that is, not the depression. When you find the right medication it is like you can finally feel like a normal human being again, and therapy has pushed me into making some pretty great decisions for myself. It truly is worth it.

Now, before you say anything: I am aware of the privilege that allows me to say this. Trust me, I know. I’ve got privilege flowing out my ear holes. First of all I live in a country where, most likely, the amount of money I will have to spend on getting better this year equals what I earn in about three or four days. Second of all I have a support system: a boyfriend who is here for me, a family who checks up on me, friends who I can talk to and colleagues who simultaneously show me tremendous support and dish out the appropriate amount of good-hearted mockery. On top of this I have a doctor who takes me seriously and a therapist who knows how to help me. As far as depressions are concerned mine is glittery, sparkly and sprinkled with sugar-plum fairy-dust.


So what now? Well, I’m going to do what it takes to become healthy again and not try to be overambitious in other areas of my life. If I can work, get my butt to the gym every once in a while and not bury my face into a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s every time I feel like it then that’s plenty. If the blog goes quiet for a while then you will know why, although I quite like the distraction of writing about how much I simultaneously love and try to avoid the acquisition of shiny pretty things. I bought a faux fur leopard jacket the other day because fuck it, I’m depressed and I deserve a leopard jacket for handling it so awesomely.

If you would like to learn more about depression then these are my all-time favorite links:

Phew! It took me 5 days to write this. I will now sit here in cold sweats and try to convince myself that this post will not ruin all my future career opportunities. Think of the leopard jacket, think of the leopard jacket, think of the leopard jacket!


74 thoughts on “On depression

  1. Christine says:

    Bra skrevet. Veldig modig :) Absolutt et tema som burde være mindre tabu å skrive om, for depresjon skjer jo faktisk de aller fleste en eller annen gang i livet.

    God bedring :)

    • Tusen takk, Christine! Det er godt å være litt modig midt oppi alt sammen. Det er tross alt langt flere enn man er klar over som har vært borti depresjon en eller annen gang, selv om de som roper høyest ofte er de som mener man bare skal ta seg sammen og slutte å sutre. Jeg har ihvertfall fått overveldende mye støtte :)

  2. Veldig personlig, og veldig godt skrevet. Litt vanskelig å vite hva man skal kommentere når man har lest dette, men jeg forsøker meg med et “Stå på” og den klassiske “God bedring”.
    Skriv mer om du føler for det, eller la vær om du ikke orker.

    • Takk skal du ha Synne, og takk for at du kommenterer på tross av at du ikke helt hva du skal si! Både “stå på” og “god bedring” holder i lange baner :)

  3. I think it’s very brave to approach that kind of subject, and I hope writing this helped you! Blogging can be cathartic sometimes after all. So the mysterious purchase is a leopard jacket? (See, changing subjects ;) ) I’d love to see how you’ll wear it!!

  4. ida says:

    Åh, heia deg! Du skriv så bra og treffande om dette at no måtte eg kommentere. Eg ønsker deg lykke til med å komme gjennom det!

  5. S. says:

    My boyfriend stuggles with depression, or has in the past, and described to me like having a box in a room. Sometimes he notices it and it’s so big and he just tries to keep it away, and other days he barly sees that it’s there. But it’s always there. And he dosen’t want to open it, because he would lose control.

  6. Elisabeth says:

    Maja, du e så TØFF, du! Ikkje kaldsvett over at du posta det. Det e kjempegodt skrevet, kjempegodt beskrevet, ærlig, ekte-følt. Hvis en framtidig sjef ikkje tåle det, så ekje det en arbeidsplass du vil være på, uansett. Stå på, og lykke til oppigjen fra “grøfta” – så reflektert og “oppegåande” som du e, kjeme du til å stable deg på beina igjen HEILT FINT! Som du sikkert har fått høre i det siste: “Det blir bedre”. Og du? Det BLIR bedre :-)

    • Tusen takk for kjempefin tilbakemelding Elisabeth :)
      Det kommer nok til å gå helt fint, selv om jeg virkelig kunne ønske jeg kunne være ferdig med hele greia. Det krever mye tid og energi å bli frisk igjen, og det er så fryktelig lite praktisk å ligge i en haug på sofaen når man aller helst vil på SATS eller gå på fjellet.
      Dere er så gode og fine i kommentarfeltet, jeg blir helt rørt!

  7. There’s quite a bit of depression in my family, so I’m not going to say anything lame or trite like “hang in there!” or “it’ll get better” because I know that at times like these it means nothing, and I know you know these things anyway. I will just say that I think it’s wonderful and brave that you’re talking so openly about it here on this platform, and I think it does sound like you’re handling it like a pro. I know, no one wants to be a pro at that, but still, something to be said for the experience and the wisdom, you know it will get better and you know what you need to do. Doesn’t make it easy, but at least it’s a little less scary. Anyway, just wanted to say we’re routing for you!

    Oh and also, the coat is awesome.

    • Thanks for the lovely comment Nomadic D. I wasn’t this open about my depression the last time I got sick, and it honestly just made it that much harder because I had to remember who knew what and worry about whether or not people could tell. No more. I hope this post might push someone else to seek the help they need.

      I swear I will probably sleep in that coat when it arrives!

  8. Alex C says:

    I just came across your blog for the first time. Thank you for writing this, it so articulately describes so many low points in my life. Your post made me cry a bit because I’ve been dealing with serious depression issues on and off for probably about 13 years. Unfortunately, when it happens I am never strong enough to get the help I need, and my support network is somewhat weak too. I wish you the best, as I know you’ll get through it. Thank you for your honesty and your strength.

    • Hi Alex, thank you so much for your comment. Big hugs, I know it can be so so scary and exhausting. If you do one day wish to tell your doctor then maybe this could make it a little bit easier:

      You could print it out, fill it out and hand it to him or her. It will give them so much information and you won’t have to talk too much if you find it difficult.

      I don’t know anything about your circumstances, so I won’t go “you can do it” and tell you it will be easy, but I do wish you all the best. I sincerely hope you will find the help you need eventually <3

  9. Cecilie Maria says:

    Kjære Maja!
    Så flott av deg å dele dette med oss! Depresjon er fæle greier, og så utrolig dumt at det har rammet deg igjen! Det er godt å lese at du har god støtte fra mange rundt deg, og at du har en vettug lege og en god behandler.
    (Om noen skulle nekte deg jobb på grunn av dette innlegget, så er det deres tap. Imidlertid ville jeg heller tenke at du er en skikkelig bra person som tør å være åpen og ærlig, og at det er et stort pluss på en arbeidsplass! ;)) Kos deg i leopardjakken din, og god bedring! <3 <3

    • Tusen takk Cecilie Maria :)

      Som du skriver er jeg rett og slett griseheldig. Jeg har flere venner som er eller har vært i samme situasjon som meg og som har fått plagene sine bagatellisert av leger, stått på ventelister i 6-12 mnd for time hos psykolog, og fått psykologer der kjemien ikke stemmer i det hele tatt. Det kan være mye prøving og feiling involvert, og hvis man i tillegg opplever å ikke bli tatt på alvor er det jo helt krise. En venninne av meg ble for eksempel fortalt at hun så altfor bra ut til å være deprimert, og at hun sikkert bare trengte å få seg en kjæreste. Jeg er virkelig klar over hvor mye flaks jeg har hatt, og setter utrolig stor pris på det!

  10. Thanks for talking about this…I don’t have any experience close to this or even know anyone with depression but your post has given the kind of insight I think we all need to be able to be helpful and supportive to anyone we love should they ever be in the same position.

    And that coat is definitely worth the risk! I hope it fits well.

    • Thank you so much Lin, I was hoping my post might do that. Depression is such a difficult thing to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it, so if I could provide even just a little bit of insight then that’s wonderful :)

  11. dear Maja, i am so glad you are getting the right medical help and have a great family and personal support network. you are very brave to write about this, as it’s still something that people are afraid of discussing openly.

    big big hugs from NYC and sending you lots of good wishes xo

    • Thank you for the lovely comment Miss Sophie <3

      I really wanted to write about depression without spewing doom and gloom, you know? If just a few people will think "oh shit, I'm depressed, better get that checked out" because I wrote this, instead of feeling like something is fundamentally wrong with them as a person, then I will consider this post a great success. Things can get so much better with treatment, and even though it can be a struggle it is infinitely better than staying depressed and possibly getting worse :)

  12. Nora says:

    Uff jeg vet så godt hvordan det er, stor internettklem til deg!

    Ang. SSRI og alkohol.. jeg vet ikke hvilken du går på men jeg har tatt 10mg Cipralex i mange år og det går fint å drikke nå. I starten var det ekkelt, jeg ble rusa og rar og lot være i et halvt år, men når kroppen hadde vent seg til medisinene gikk det helt fint. Holder meg for det meste unna sprit og hardfyll da, siden jeg iallfall første året jeg blandet alkohol og medisinene ble litt fortere full. Alle reagerer forskjellig på medisiner såklart og jeg skal ikke fortelle deg hva du skal gjøre for all del! Men ville bare si at SSRI og alkohol ikke nødvendigvis er noe problem:) Så slipper man alle gravidspørsmålene også heh.

    God bedring!

    • Tusen takk for tips og gode ønsker Nora! Problemet for meg er at jeg drikker veldig sjeldent, og når jeg drikker er det stort sett i jobbsammenheng. Uforutsigbar effekt på medisiner + alkohol kan derfor ha litt ekstra ubehagelige følger ;) Best å kjøre safe!

  13. I hope you find comfort in knowing that there are millions of people in exactly the same boat as you (<– moi!). It's a difficult situation to be in and sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn't, there's going to be relapses and there's going to be times when you can't even get up. Continue to surround yourself with supportive people, invest in a light therapy device and do something nice for yourself once a month (like a massage!). Thanks for blogging about this and I sincerely hope you find some reprieve.

    • Thank you for the wonderful comment Amanda :) I’ve heard about those light therapy devices, maybe I should look into getting one? We did invest in one of those Phillips Wake-up Lights and it has made my mornings so much better. Waking up to a pleasant sounds in an already-lit room makes a world of difference, especially when mornings are pitch dark and freezing cold :)

  14. This post really touched me and made my eyes water just a smidgeon at the end and then made me smile as I thought of you thinking happy thoughts about your leopard jacket. I hope your leopard jacket has a silver lining and brings you some joy over the next few months whilst you work through this period. The support of your family and friends is paramount and I am glad to hear that they are all behind you.

    • Thank you Sue :)
      Honestly, people have been so great about this. Family, friends, colleagues, everyone. I really am lucky. The Boyfriend and I have made some plans for trips and nice things to do in the coming months, so that there’s always something to look forward to. I’ll be fine :)

  15. Sadie says:

    Oh Maja! Thanks for writing so eloquently and honestly. I know exactly where you are at, and your plan (and advice) couldn’t be better. It sounds like you know yourself well and are wise enough to do what it takes to battle back the black dog. I wish you well and hope you will keep writing!

    • Thank you so much for your nice comment Sadie, I can’t get over how supportive everyone is being. I’m truly touched.

      I’m sure I will start writing again as soon as I get my energy back, but as of right now I’m very preoccupied with napping and making sure I remember to do things like taking showers and doing laundry. I’ll come around eventually ;)

  16. Modig og veldig godt skrevet, Maja! Det er bra at du tør å være åpen, og at dette emnet kommer frem i lyset, især med tanke på hvor mange som sliter med det! Og jeg tenker heller at dette er et pluss for fremtidige arbeidstagere – du er åpen, ærlig, ekte og menneskelig! Ønsker deg lykke til videre, og god bedring! :)

    • Tusen takk Malin :)
      Ja, det er utrolig mange som sliter med det samme. Bare siden jeg var hos legen for en uke siden har jeg fått vite om flere i omgangskretsen min som har hatt de samme problemene. Det er synd det skal være så vanskelig å snakke om!

  17. Oi! I did not see that coming… Well done. Or written, or something. :-)
    I hope you can look back in a few weeks or months and still be glad you wrote so scintillatingly about your reoccurring challenge. You are brave and wise and eloquent. Good for you!

  18. Utrolig fint skrevet! Du er modig som er så ærlig, og samtidig formulerer du deg godt og vittig^^ Jeg håper du kommer deg ut av det så fort som overhode mulig. God bedring og sånn!
    PS. du er jammen awesome.

    • Tusen takk Ida Therese <3
      Heldigvis er ofte den verste kneiken overstått når medisinene begynner å virke som de skal, og det tar jo bare noen uker. Jeg sier ikke at alt etterpå er enkelt, men det blir betydelig enklere av at man er lettere til sinns :)

  19. Kristin says:

    Fantastisk skrive, dette kjem til å hjelpe mange som seinare snublar over denne posten :)

    Eg kan ikkje seie anna enn god betring – og god klem!

  20. Dear Maja,
    Thank you for writing this, for being so brave and for trusting us with something so personal. Your words are so eloquent, wise and articulate. I can only imagine how difficult it must be and what a challenge it was to write about. I’m glad to hear that you have a great support system. Through good times and bad having that support means all the difference. We’re all rooting for you!

    Best wishes and a big hug from New York!

    • Thank you for the wonderful comment Lindsay, that truly means a lot. Writing wasn’t really that difficult – clicking the “publish” button, however… That was very nerve-wrecking!

      The boyfriend and I actually bought a trip to New York for the summer a few days ago, I’ll have to ask you and Miss Sophie for some tips and advice :)

  21. Det ER vanskeleg å formulere depresjon! eg har prøvd mange gonger.. (
    Men det viktigaste er at du har tatt eit steg mot å bli frisk. Og holdninga di om å vera open og nesten rivruskande ærlig med degsjøl og andre er beundringsverdig og førebiletleg! kan anbefala dette kurset(, om du står stile i behandlingsprosessar.. det var veldig bra for mi psjuke

    • Hei Maria, tusen takk for koselig kommentar! Det går heldigvis bedre for hver dag og medisinene har begynt å gjøre jobben sin. Å ha støtte fra venner, familie og kolleger har vært alfa og omega så langt, jeg har vært veldig heldig :)

    • Hi Annabella, thank you so much for your kind words! I’m not big on Skype due to ridiculous video-chat/second-language awkwardness, but you are absolutely wonderful for offering <3

  22. Julianne says:

    You’re very brave for writing this, and I’d like to thank you for being so open and honest and contributing to making these issues less taboo and easier to talk about. I’m glad your depression is sparkly, glittery and sprinkled with sugar-plum fairy dust — that means one less person who has to fight to get the help they need! :-) Hope you feel better soon Maja! Hugsies x (in a very non- strangerdanger-creepy way).

    • Thank you for your wonderful comment Julianne :) And I am very thankful indeed for the fact that I don’t have to fight to get the help I need. This way I get better while being able to help others navigate the system when they need similar medical attention. A phone number or three up your sleeve for a friend (or blog reader!) in need is a great thing to have!

  23. Erika says:

    Good on you! Depression sucks big time but the more of us who talk about it, the better. I’ve been dealing with it for about 5 years this time round. While the Effexor has less than funky side-effects, I have my brain back and driving fast into something is no longer a constant thought. Like you, I’m incredibly fortunate – supportive husband, understanding doctor and I can afford my meds, along with all the stuff to deal with CFS.

    It’s not something I hide, I will tell people (at work, in my social circles, family) what it’s like for me, what I’m on, what they can expect. If anyone has a problem with it, that’s their problem, not mine. Too many people do what I did for so long – believe that they aren’t worth helping. And that is so not the case.

    Best place to start if you are in Australia – and (the books are brilliant at explaining depression from the perspective of having it and also living with someone who has it).

    • Thank you for your comment and helpful links Erika! It is so good to hear that you got the help and support that you needed. Seeking treatment is so worth it, and I hope that being open about it can help other people realize that depression does not have to be the bane of their existence :)

  24. Hi Maja,

    Nice to “meet” you and I should have started commenting on your blog long ago as I greatly enjoy ready your point of view on many things you share here. I also find you refreshing and intuitive.
    I’m also sorry to be so late commenting on this particular post but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My family has a long history of depression (and other mental and physical illnesses) and though I can’t be certain I’ve experienced the extreme lows of depression I am quite sure I’ve been touched and influenced by it.
    For me, I do find that having a yearly marathon goal gives me something physical to focus on. And I do feel better when I physically feel good. Its not a cure all of course but it does help.
    Anyways, thanks for providing such meaningful insight into depression. You are helping so many out there by writing these thoughts.

    • Thanks for the lovely comment Chic_e. It is always heartwarming to see new names pop up in the comments :)
      I hear you on the physical challenges. Unfortunately for me one of my symptoms this time around was extreme physical exhaustion – at my worst I literally had to go lie down after walking up and down 3 flights of stairs to check our mail box. It was quite a shock since I up until then had been working out 4-5 times a week! Thankfully those symptoms have disappeared and I am slowly getting back to the gym again. I love the feeling of being able to lift heavier and run faster than I did the week before. Such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment!

  25. You’re a tough one, writing about this stuff! Good for you! I believe we’ve come a long way in how we treat mentally ill people, at work and in social life, so hopefully this will kind of be a positive thing for you future career etc. It takes guts to be honest about it. Why am I writing in English? Normally I would go for Norwegian but right now I’m sitting on franskbeinets mac where those 3 letters you know well don’t exist. Enjoying your blog this Sunday morning :)

    • Thank you for the lovely comment Ida! It is funny, because nobody has treated me any differently since they found out I was sick, except in the way that I have been given some extra leeway in my work schedule on the few days where I have needed it. And really, that is how I prefer it! I would never want anyone to walk on eggshells and treat me like some sort of fragile head case. I got sick, I dealt with it, I’m getting treatment and I am doing perfectly fine. It has been a month since I first saw my doctor now, and things are absolutely wonderful :)

  26. Frida says:

    Kjære deg. (Jeg kjenner deg ikke, men jeg synes “kjære” hører hjemme her)
    Dette er den beste beskrivelsen av depresjon jeg har lest. Og jeg studerer psykologi på femte året.
    Du skriver fantastisk. Virkelig. Hvordan du kombinerer åpenhet, seriøsitet og mørk humor er nydelig. Det du gjør her er viktig!
    Jeg heier på deg, Maja.

    PS: Jeg bodde på Distrikt Hotel i januar – da fikk vi varm eple cider hver dag i resepsjonen. Veldig koselig (og moderne) hotell, men sats på frokost et annet sted. Ikke dårlig, men litt kjedelig. Og du er i NYC!

    • Åj, tusen takk skal du ha Frida, for et kompliment! Sånt varmer på en mandagskveld :)

      Vi har faktisk bestilt frokost på Distrikt, mest fordi det er ingenting jeg hater mer om morgenen enn å gå og LETE etter mat. Jeg er godt over gjennomsnittlig vanskelig å ha med å gjøre når blodsukkeret er lavt, og det var noe av det jeg syntes var aller mest pes sist vi var på ferie i utlandet. Jeg er rett og slett en smule morgengretten ;) Men blir det for kjedelig finner vi sikkert noen bra steder når vi har vært der noen dager!

      Takk igjen for koselig kommentar, og lykke til videre med studiet. Flinke og koselige psykologer er gull verdt!

  27. Hei!
    Jeg ville bare si at bloggen din er veldig fin (du kler deg flott!) og at jeg spesielt godt merket meg dette innlegget.

    Ikke bare beskriver du depresjon bra, men jeg liker også godt hvordan du illusterer det (også med bildene – du kunne jo ha illustert det med gråtende anime-karakterer og regn, eller noe – fint du valgte Ariel og My Little Pony) og eksemplene du lenker til (Hyperbole and a Half(!)) er veldig flotte. Den Spoon-theory historien har jeg ikke lest før, men den var veldig fin. Dette er virkelig et veldig tilgjengelig innlegg om et ofte tungt tema, synes jeg. Du er tøff som skriver dette. Og jeg tviler sterkt på at det kommer til å ødelegge for noen fremtidig karriere. Åpenhet er viktig, og at du forklarer ting så godt som her burde det vel heller være noe positivt snarere enn negativt?

    Det er fint du har et godt støtteapperat – jeg håper du føler deg bedre snart!

    • Tusen takk for koselig kommentar Liv! Jeg føler meg veldig mye bedre allerede – effekten var faktisk merkbar allerede etter en måned. Jeg håper folk som snubler over dette innlegget leser nedover i kommentarene og ser at det faktisk ikke trenger å ta mange ukene før hverdagen blir merkbart lettere, om man treffer på behandlingen. Man er faktisk ikke dømt til et liv i doom and gloom, heldigvis! :)

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    • Hahahaha, den var kjempefin Elisabeth!! Hadde den ikke vært så uhorvelig dyr hadde jeg kjøpt den på flekken, men du vet – vi ex-MI’ere greier alltids å lage sånt selv også, vi! ;)

      Tusen takk for koselig kommentar, og takk det samme til deg! Det går veldig fint her hos meg for tiden <3

  31. Anya says:

    thanks for writing this. i’ve suffered from on and off depression in the past 8 years and you describe the process and thoughts very well.

    i find that leading a balanced life (or trying to) by eating healthy, sleeping at regular hours, exercising regularly, etc. helps to prevent relapses. unfortunately, when relapsing all those things become painful to manage. when i’m at my worst, i begin to think i don’t deserve to live and stop eating because eating is for the active deserving people. then, not only feelings of guilt won’t allow me to sleep, but also the hunger.

    • Thank you the comment Anya :)

      I definitely agree with you, living a balanced life is really important. If I don’t get enough rest or make sure to carve out down time for myself then I am just setting myself up for disaster. Eating healthy and staying active is a big part of it as well, and making sure than I get the vitamins that I need. I’ve only really become aware of these things over the last few years, and it has made such a big difference.

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