Ouch. Pow! Right in the gut! I don’t like seafood. Are you provoked yet? It never ceases to amaze me how offended people get when you tell them that you don’t like seafood. “Are you allergic?” they ask, hoping that this only valid reason might be behind my dislike. Nope, I’m not allergic, I just don’t like it. I might as well have declared myself a baby killer judging by people’s reactions. And then the discussion starts: But you can’t say that you don’t like seafood, they gasp, there are so many different flavors! It’s like I have made a personal attack on their taste buds, they try to make me admit that I haven’t really tasted any real seafood, surely I’ve only tasted lesser varieties of sea-dwelling creatures? When this doesn’t work, they try to argue with logic. It’s so healthy! Surely there must be something out there that you like? Are you sure you’re getting all the nutrients that you need? It’s a never-ending, pointless cycle of frustration. So gather around and let me explain to you the reasons why I don’t like seafood.
In the beginning I was a food-loving child. I ate everything, and lots of it. Seriously, I was infamous – I would eat dinner at my babysitter’s, then again at home, and then some leftovers later in the evening. I simply adored food! Fish, meat, vegetables, fruit – if it was edible, I would eat it.
Now, as all children, I would sometimes refuse to do things. Sometimes you just don’t feel like wearing pants, sometimes you would rather die than brush your teeth, and sometimes you just don’t feel like eating fish. I don’t remember how old I was, but I remember it vividly – I was at my babysitter’s house one afternoon and I wouldn’t eat the fish dinner she had cooked. I sat in a chair, sulking, and just plain refused to eat it. Now, I’m not quite sure what Jedi mind-tricks she used on me – I remember her saying that if I didn’t eat it I wouldn’t get any other food, which for a gourmand like me was threat enough I suppose, but I’m sure there were other words of authoritarian encouragement. Anyway, I ended up eating the fish. What happened next?
First on her lovely flower-patterned sofa, then in various other locations in the house. Payback is indeed a bitch. After this incident, I can’t stand seafood. Now, this is where I need to clarify – I don’t dislike seafood in the same way that I dislike Brussels sprouts. I can eat Brussels sprouts, but I’d rather avoid it if I can. Seafood, on the other hand, will make me vomit. It’s like offering me a plate of boogers – you can garnish it artfully with lemon and rice and truffles all you want, it’s still a plate of boogers, and projectile vomiting will ensue.
Now, I am a grown-up, and when I am served seafood I will always taste it in hopes that I will like it. Because I wish I liked it, I really do! I will carve off a little piece and put it in my mouth and say a little prayer for the God of Taste Buds™, but it never works. Honestly, I tried scallops just last weekend. Not a success. But I did award myself a gold star for trying.
Now, this wouldn’t be bad at all if it wasn’t for constantly having to defend myself. People think I’m childish. They try to argue me into liking seafood – how is that supposed to work exactly? Someone have even tried to sneak fish into my food without telling me! I’m not joking – adults did this. Vegetarians, do you have to endure this kind of bullshit? Do people try to force-feed you meat? You’ve got my everlasting sympathy.
Folks, the next time someone tells you they don’t like seafood, do you know what the correct answer is?
Practice. It’s simple. Just one syllable!
You can do it!